I really hope this was a joke...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hello
Stranger: could you help me?
You: maybe
You: i'll try
Stranger: i had a sword fighting accident with my wife
You: ouch. this can't end well.
Stranger: and there's a big stain on the bed
Stranger: she's breathing still so it's okay
Stranger: but do you know anything that could remove the stain?
You: hmm
You: is it blood?
Stranger: yes
You: well, i think i can help
You: but first
You: she's cool right?
You: like... just a minor cut?
Stranger: yeah, she's good
You: alright cool
You: well then
You: soak the sheet in some very warm water
You: then get a tide stain stick and rub that shit in like a mofo
Stranger: should i do it in the bathtub or in my laundry room?
You: bathrub would probably be the most effective
You: then get some shout stain removing gel
You: and rub it all over the damn thing
You: then wash it in WARM water in the machine
You: and if the stain isn't out, repeat that whole deal
Stranger: should i get 2 tubes of the gel?/
You: and do so until the stain is gone
You: yes, you should
Stranger: okay
Stranger: what if the sword is still in her?
Stranger: should i pull it out or just leave it?
You: then, and only when the stain is gone, can you dry it
You: dammit, jim, i'm a laundry expert, not a doctor
Stranger: oh, sorry haha.
Stranger: i just dont want her to die
Stranger: even though it's minor
Stranger: ya know
You: well, you led me to believe it would be cool
You: if you're concerned, i suggest 911
Stranger: nono it's cool
You: they do a solid job, usually
Stranger: she's still breathing
Stranger: and i dont trust the police
You: everyone breathes until close to death
Stranger: fuck the police
You: best not to chance it
You: they would probably send an ambulance
You: no police
Stranger: they already arrested me for once
Stranger: i dont trust them too
Stranger: they put shit in the vaccines
You: well, friend, then you're in a rough spot
You: i suggest, at the very least, selling those swords to a pawn shop or something
You: sounds like they're nothing but trouble
Stranger: what if they're fakes?
Stranger: you think chumley will accept them?
You: well, if they're pointy and stabby then you gotta get rid of them somehow.
You: toss some peroxide on that stab wound too
Stranger: should i dig a hole?
You: for the swords?
Stranger: for the sword
Stranger: yes
You: no
You: too tempting
You: you'll dig them back up
You: you need to ditch them shits
Stranger: good point
Stranger: should i ditch it in the river by my house?
Stranger: the sword i mean
You: hmmm... if dumping is legal there, then i see no trouble with it.
You: just watch for swimmers and shit, if it's a big enough river
Stranger: okay it's kinda dark so i think its the perfect time
You: alright
Stranger: because there's no swimmers i mean
You: yep
Stranger: no other reason
You: well, good luck with your dead wife. you really are a shitty husband, bro.
Stranger: god damnit
Your conversational partner has disconnected.